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'CAUSE WE'RE ALL JUST LOVERS AND TAKERS
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[24 Aug 2009|10:13am] |
Really??? It gets shittier??
Come on, just give me a break.
I want to feel better. Please make everything disappear. Please make everything easier. I'm not as strong as I look.
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[07 Aug 2009|07:02pm] |
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First vacation from everything since before I moved to Delaware in August of 07. I AM THRILLED!!!
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[28 Jul 2009|12:28pm] |
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I just want to feel okay, feel okay, feel okay.
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[08 Jul 2009|08:31am] |
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I go this morning to get a heart monitor put on. Will I ever catch a break??? I'm 20 years old, remember?
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[27 Jun 2009|04:10pm] |
I haven't had this many issues with money in a really long time. Things kind of suck.
I want to get to school, have a good paying job, and get out of here.
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[19 May 2009|08:34pm] |
"Sometimes when I'm mad, or hurt, or just upset I say things I don't mean."
Bre says it best. I miss Ryan so much it hurts to breathe.
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[17 May 2009|10:43pm] |
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Letting go is way harder than everyone makes it out to be. I haven't heard from Ryan in 2 days and I already hate myself for ever saying to not talk to me until he's enrolled in school. Especially since he is on vacation right now....with girls included. I. Am. An. Idiot.
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[15 May 2009|07:10pm] |
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I'm very lonely.
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[09 May 2009|10:49am] |
I realized last night I'm REALLY going to miss my family when I move. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? Me and Billy have been getting along so well, and I love it. It's the first time in 20 years I'm able to say I can sit at the kitchen table and enjoy his company.
I feel love so strongly in the room when my family is all together. I'm going to miss that for a while when I'm gone. While I'm away I need to find friends who become my family. Bre, who has already been considered my family for years, is down there waiting. I'm off to a pretty good start if you ask me.
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[29 Apr 2009|10:02pm] |
I keep telling myself I need to write in here more often, document what happens to me. But all that happens when I click update is I remember how boring my life is. Nothing ever happens to me to make me think "OH I need to write this down later." I feel that if I write it's a waste of everyone who reads' time. But I doubt anyone does. My life has been so stagnant lately that I haven't written in months, it's highly unlikely that anyone checks anymore.
Most of my days are spent working. My only day off is Sunday. I work during the week handing out money that I wish were my own to people who ask for it, and I spend my Saturdays answering the telephone to mostly hang-ups or people who can't speak English. I'm working so much to save up to move to Tampa in September where I'll be residing for the next 18+ months for school. That is, if I can get enough money to go. I'm terrified I won't get approved for a loan large enough to go. I've been looking for scholarships but since my parents are married, I have both legs, and I'm right handed I can't find any to my advantage. Serves my right for not going to school right out of high school.
I feel very dismal lately. And I'm sorry. It feels like I only write when I'm down, and I know I shouldn't feel like that. For those of you who have known me at the high times in my life know that I'm not usually like this. I can find happiness in a cute dress or a pretty picture. Don't get me wrong, I still find happiness in those things, I still feel wonderful when I hear 5 minutes of a great song. But it's everything else that I can't see the sunlight in. I care so deeply about the people around me but it's just not on the surface and I can't figure out why. I'm usually so lovable, so needy. But right now I want to be away from everything in my comfort zone.
Being sick is definitely making everything a little bit harder. No one can seem to find out what's wrong with me even after a year and losing 40 pounds. I just want to be able to eat what i want, when I want and feel great afterwards. I don't want to be tired anymore. It's wearing me down along with everything else.
I am counting down the days until I move to Tampa, it's getting closer everyday and I'm praying I really do get there.
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[16 Mar 2009|10:36pm] |
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I just applied to a school on the other side of the country. I am feeling so many things at once. I am excited, terrified, thrilled, sad, happy, exploding. I have never lived my life for me and I finally have the chance and I have no idea what to do with all of this freedom.
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[19 Feb 2009|10:42pm] |
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Sometimes a flood of compliments mean nothing if they're from the wrong people.
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[05 Feb 2009|07:44pm] |
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is this really worth the struggle??????
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[02 Feb 2009|04:56pm] |
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I can't find what I love about myself.
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[19 Jan 2009|05:08pm] |
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Over the past two months I've lost one of the closest friends I've ever had. He appreciates me for me. My artistic side, my goofy side, my grumpy side, my understanding and my insight. He sees every single piece of me as important and wants to dissect every bit and learn. And all I did was lose touch. I get so caught up in me and in changes that I forget about that love I'm supposed to be giving out so deeply. And Jay does not deserve to lose someone. He means as well as I do, and even though we're both stubborn we're so needy at the same time. He needs me and I need him. And because we want to argue about who doesn't call who, neither of us gets to have one another. I just want to know what video game he's playing right now. I want to know what show he's watching so we can gossip about it. I want him to add books to my shelf. All I really need is to say good morning to him. Because I was always the first SMILING person he saw when I worked with him. And I know he loved that. I don't even know why I'm writing this, but I'm sad. I'm not usually sad anymore, but there's something missing when he's not around. I emailed him a long letter spilling my guts just like I am here and I really hope that he listens and gives me a shot to be his friend the way we were before I got so careless.
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[03 Jan 2009|01:32pm] |
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Every single cell in my body belongs to someone else.
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[29 Dec 2008|12:22pm] |
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I want to find myself
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[22 Dec 2008|07:41pm] |
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I have so much to write, I have so much going on my head. I can't get it out through my fingertips. Someone listen to me.
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[15 Dec 2008|11:45pm] |
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I'm jealous of the ones who can love themselves fully with the help of their loved ones. Why can't I find it in myself to do the same?
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[05 Dec 2008|12:39pm] |
Does anyone have any ideas for a gift for me to get Ryan for our one year anniversary? It's the 21st of December so I don't want to go too big since I'll be getting him Christmas gifts as well.
I haven't even started my shopping I'm so far behind it's unbelievable. :(
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